My child is autistic. He doesn’t do well with change. Even little things that would be meaningless to most people.
For example, his hairbrush was getting old and worn. He had chewed the end of it. The cats had chewed some bristles. It was dirty and dusty. But I didn’t say anything. Because it’s his hairbrush.
Finally, he said he thinks it’s time for a new brush. Ok, I say, we’ll put it on the shopping list, and get one next time we’re in town.
So we go to town and we go to the store. There are many hairbrushes to choose from. He picks one and they even have it in his favorite color. We buy it, take it home, and remove the packaging.
I go to put it on the shelf where the old hairbrush is. Can we throw out the old one, I ask.
That’s when he stops. That’s when he freezes and gets a momentary look of panic on his face. Throw out the old one? That hadn’t occurred to him.
Because here’s the thing. Hair brushing is a part of his morning routine. And not just hair brushing, but hair brushing with that particular brush. To most people, the act of hair brushing is the routine, but not the brush itself. The objects are interchangeable. But not to my child. Not to someone with autism. The brush itself is just as important as the act of brushing.
So I take a breath. I put the old brush down. Think about it, I say. Let me know tomorrow what you want to do with this brush.
He decides. He realizes keeping an old hairbrush is not necessary. But it’s still important to him. So he asks if I can cut off one bristle. To keep. As a memory of the old hairbrush.
I don’t laugh. I don’t tell him it’s silly. I respect his need. I cut off the bristle. He puts it in his treasure box, along side some smooth rocks, beads, sparkly decals, a Santa Claus charm from a classmate, a few other things meaningful to him.
He throws the old hairbrush away himself. He is able to move on, and accept the change.
This is a great way to help an autistic person move on properly, instead of forcing them to get rid of it you let them use their own method and left them feeling safe. Congrats fam👏👏
For me hyper empathy is also part of this and I have to like, grieve for things like this. And approaching it that way, as grief, as legitimate bereavement instead of pushing myself to treat it the way NT’s in my life had taught me (dismissive, mockery, “it’s just a hairbrush wtf why are you like this”) has really helped in these kinds of situations.
I don’t laugh. I don’t tell him it’s silly. I respect his need.
I wish I’d had this kind of understanding and safety in my childhood. It teaches you how to be safe and understanding to yourself.
no offense but how come none of y’all can just like or dislike something normally. it’s always gotta be “this is literally fucking flawless and pure” or “this is shit and you’re an immoral person for liking it” it’s so. Uncomfortable
ok usually i dont answer questions like this cuz theyre complex and harsh but this one i have experience with this (operating under the assumption that this is an online friendship, which i think is a fair assumption) so here’s what ive got:
if you fucked up REALLY bad to the point where someone refuses to talk to you or even, like, associate, you have two options.
option 1. send a single apology, and no followup. wait until theyre comfortable enough to come around and talk to you again. let them be the one to initiate the talk of making things better again since theyre the victim.
option 2. accept that the person doesnt owe you anything and move on. and that might be sort of a bummer to hear, but on the internet relationships work differently and, while they can be just as real and rewarding as they are offline, the stakes are also much lower. if someone decides that what youve done is something only someone they dont want to associate would do, you cant really change their mind on that. accept that you hurt someone, reflect on it, and take what you know into future relationships so you dont make the same mistake again.
If you submit/edit captions on youtube, please remember that some of us rely on subtitles to understand the video. Your cute little jokes are only funny if you can hear and understand the original audio.
In Jack’s new video, all of Anti’s lines are in zalgo text in the subtitles. (Someone changed it to be this way–the original captions were all in normal text.) Yes, his voice is altered and unnatural-sounding. But zalgo is hard to read, especially as it’s flashing by. I have to stop the video every time a new caption comes up so I can read it.
Captions are for people who need them, not for your commentary and embellishment.
Don’t assume malice. Assume ignorance. Life is easier, the world is kinder, and you can educate. Actual malice is pretty rare, I find.
Always remember Hanlon’s Razor–”Never assume malice when incompetence will suffice as an explanation.”
That’s said, never forget Fred Clark’s Law, either: “Sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.” There’s a certain point at which ignorance becomes malice–at which there is simply no way to become that ignorant except deliberately and maliciously.
ifesbob 