So to all the people out there who’ve been told that, trying is good enough. To all the neurodivergent people, the chronically ill, the disabled, and everyone else: trying is good enough. As long as you are trying, it is good enough. Don’t let people tell you otherwise.
Don’t hang out with people that don’t value you. Don’t hang out with people that belittle you. Don’t hang out with people that never consider your thoughts and feelings. Don’t hang out with people that don’t care about you.
Hi. Hello. Friend. Are you listening to me? Look me in the eyes (metaphorically). Pay attention. Ok? Ok.
Sex should not fucking hurt
Never. Under any circumstances. Not your first time, not your hundredth time. It should not hurt.
(Unless you’re into that, obviously. In which case it should hurt only in specific, well-controlled, and pre-negotiated ways.)
If someone tells you that having sex will hurt or should hurt, they can go fuck themselves. They are making excuses.
If something hurts, stop. Tell your partner to stop. Add more lube. Try more foreplay. Change positions. Do something different. You deserve better than lying there being in pain because you think there’s nothing you can do about it.
Sometimes, people have medical conditions that cause sex to be painful. That’s no one’s fault. If sex is consistently uncomfortable for you, talk to your doctor. You deserve better than tolerating persistent discomfort because your body isn’t cooperating with you.
Sometimes, people have anxiety or trauma which causes their bodies to tense, thereby making sex painful and difficult. That’s no one’s fault (or, in the case of trauma, it’s the fault of whoever inflicted that trauma). If sex is anxiety-inducing for you, see a therapist. You deserve better than anxiety that makes sex painful when it should be pleasurable.
Sometimes, people’s partners are careless or thoughtless or malicious, and don’t pay attention when their partner is in pain. That’s the fault of the person ignoring their partner’s needs. If your partner won’t stop when you’re in pain, stop having sex with that person. You deserve a partner who values you and is attentive to your needs.
I’ve gotten this question before, and I’m sure I’ll get it again. So I want this on the record:
You should not be thinking about how to minimize the pain you experience during sex. You deserve sex that does not hurt. Got it?
Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t bother me when people use them for themselves or their characters or what have you, but I’ve had a weird number of people introduce themselves to me with a string of letters as if those were their pronouns, and then expect mine in return.
And that? That bugs me. And I get that it’s an irrational amount of animosity to have toward a fairly benign system, especially when I don’t have the same kind of ill feelings toward, say, my zodiac.
And I think I figured out why it gets under my skin as badly as it does.
The Myers-Briggs type is four sets of binaries.
I genuinely don’t know my type, because unlike my zodiac, it changes every time I take one of those tests. On three of the four categories, I’m smack dab in the middle (in the ones that give percentages, usually 55%-60% in one direction as opposed to another). And it is incredibly frustrating to have complete strangers insist on shoving me into a binary when I just don’t fit. It’s a system that has no real room for any kind of middle ground. You’re one or the other– you can’t be both, or neither, or ‘it depends on the day’. No, you just took the test wrong, you didn’t do it right, you should know already.
And as someone who’s nonbinary, that’s maybe a little bit too real.
Oh boy! As someone with a degree in psychology, I hate the Myers-Briggs
1. It is not based in actual science of personality. (The 5 factor model is).
2. As you have accurately ascertained, personality traits are not binaries! Like the vast majority of traits they fall on a bell curve, with most people near the middle and fewer people at either extreme. The MBTI takes those traits and does a median split (49% and below is _, 51% and above is _) with their binary categories. This means people that are very similar (e.g. those 49%/51% folks) get put into different boxes, whereas two people who are very different (1% and 49%) are given the same label. This is why as many as 50% of people who take the test a second time get a different result, even if the attempts are only weeks apart. As little as one question could shove you over the fence one way or the other.
If all of the above was it, I’d be Ok with the MBTI. It would be no more harmful than someone knowing their Hogwarts house or having fun taking a ‘what kind of soap are you’ quiz. But there’s one more problem:
3. The Myers-Briggs is a multi-million dollar industry. The company that owns it rakes in cash from everyone paying to take the test, or paying to be certified to administer it. Thousands of businesses and universities give the test. People make work decisions off of it. This is treated as normal and professional. (Could you imagine how angry people would be if hiring decisions were made by Hogwarts house).
tl;dr: The Myers Briggs should be treated like any other unscientific for-fun personality quiz and the fact that there’s a whole industry built around it is messed up.
ifesbob 