my mum was telling me that when i was little there was a grasshopper on the car but i didn’t know what grasshoppers were called so i pointed at it and said “look at that handsome man”
Confession: I have a friend who likes to text me at like 4am when he’s had nightmares or he can’t sleep or he just needs a friend. He thinks I’m always awake at 4am but really I go to bed around 12am and I change his text-tone to the loudest one I have just so it wakes me up when he needs me.
you’re the kind of friend everyone needs
I think that since its been a year since I made this post its time for an update. In the past year I’ve watched this post grow and grow, people I work with have told me about it as “this post I saw the other day” and they have no idea it’s my post. The person I wrote this about has even reblogged it. He is no longer texting me at 4am. Not because we no longer speak but because the nightmares have stopped. He and I both are in a much better place. Most often the only times he’s waking me up at 4am is when he’s pulling me closer to him while we sleep. He’s more than a friend now and I’m forever thankful to have him. Everyone messaged me saying he was lucky to have me but I think I was just as lucky to have him and I would do it all over.
a cute girl casually came out to me the other day and I handled it so gracelessly that I might as well have just stuck my entire foot in my mouth instead
anyway we’re dating now and the first time she kissed me I said “thanks for that, I appreciate it” because I have no idea how to function
I proposed to her twice (with & without a ring, the first time it was without a ring because I was worried she was gonna propose first) and she cried both times
kids have no concept of anything. i walked into my kindergarten class and one kid asked me what my name was. when i said miss jones, he said “i like that name. did you know i’m in love with you”
i asked my four year old cousin how old he thought i was going to be at my next birthday and he said 8. im 23
once i told a 6 year old that i had finished school and was doing “more school” [university] and she asked “why haven’t you found anyone to marry then”
We were at a museum and I was asking for the student discount and my nine year old cousin looks up at me with his eyes wide and says “wait you’re a STUDENT??”
I used to babysit these three kids and the eldest who was around 11 at the time was talking about how adults are boring and when I told him I was an adult he said, “That’s not true, you’re my age”
our aunt teaches and she has this story about a little girl who really was always pretty quiet in class and then on the final day of kindergarten she just up and stated ‘i’m all teached now. i don’t need to be teached anymore. i’m done of being teached.’
once when i was 19, I told my little cousin that i was 19 and she looked up at me with huge eyes and went, “Does that mean you don’t have to bring an adult with you to the pool?”
My 6 year old cousin saw me driving for the first time, looked up at him mom and said “does that mean she is married now?”
I watched my dad and my niece (3 at the time) arguing over a pair of pants and whether or not they were also a dress. My neice’s argument was that they were, in fact, also a dress because they were blue.
I asked the kids in my daycare class what they thought I should be for Halloween and this little boy goes, “ooh I know! A pickle! You’d be such a good pickle”
On the first day of class with my favorite student of all time, I said, “Are you okay? You look like you have a question.” And she looked me right in the eyes and said, tremulously,
“Can a piranha eat a stapler?”
One time I was working with a kid and he looked up at me and asked “Do you have a boy?” I had no idea what he was talking about, but I told him that I did not have any boys. He looked shocked and then deeply concerned and said “Well, you better hurry up and shave your arms so you can get married; August is next month!”
I was sitting on the floor with my 3yo niece and we were playing with her younger brother’s alphabet blocks and the O had an octopus on it. So I picked it up and asked her what it was.
“Octopus,” she said, all curls and smiles.
“And what kind of animal is an octopus?” I asked. I was looking for “fish” or “sea creature” but I would have accepted almost anything–”weird,” “gross,” even “slimy.” “Underwater” or “it lives in the ocean” would have also been acceptable.
She looks me right in the eye and says, happy as a clam, “It’s a cephalopod.”
I haven’t been the same since.
My younger cousin thought College was a city, and that all of the older cousins were at the same city, College, just attending different schools.
i had a preschool teacher called ms. warner, and no one could figure out why i was so scared of her
the truth was, i had an overdeveloped vocabulary and figured her name was a warning and i should be on my guard
I picked up the 3-yr-old I was babysitting and she reached out slowly towards my face and said–with absolute seriousness–”you have bones in there.”
My 2 year old niece is in the car and is heard talking to herself. She said “Them’s not broccoli. Them’s trees. Layla no eat trees,”
I was watching a 6 year old boy this past summer. He was throwing a cotton ball (which I have no freakin idea where he got it from) at some other kids in the room. I took it from him, and put it on a plate that was covered in peach juice. He reached to grab the now soaked cotton ball, and I stopped him saying; “What do you think you’re doing?! You’re gonna get all sticky.” He then put on this very sad, puppy dog face, and walked away muttering to himself. “But I like touching peach juice….”
It’s hard to keep the physical aspect of a relationship going over the years. My wife and I are in our late 30s, and things had started to cool down for us in the bedroom. Thankfully, we’re both very into communication. Whenever we sense something might be amiss, we talk it out until we discover a solution. Our stagnating sex life was no different.
After a few lighthearted discussions, we decided to start experimenting. Nothing too crazy. Just basic kinks. A little bondage. Some mild butt stuff. You know.
Everything went really well. We learned new things about ourselves and one another. Our creativity blossomed as we tried to figure out fun, different activities we could engage in. The fact we’re so comfortable with one another was a huge plus; I couldn’t imagine this all working out if either of us felt shame or nervousness.
Your intestines don’t connect directly to your anus. This is physically impossible.
You, sir ( @canisthejwalker ), are incorrect. The anus is at the end of the rectum, at the end of the colon, which is the end of your large intestine. They are all connected in a linear fashion. This is actually very possible (ever heard of a “pink sock”), and while prolapses of this magnitude are a little excessive, it’s not at all “physically impossible”.
Yeah no, I double checked and I was indeed wrong. 😛 That being said, the chances of a prolapse in such a dramatic fashion at the hands of a common vibrator is astronomically unlikely, I should think (and/or know from experience, but that’s off the record).
I love when my readers delve into the intricacies of ass play gone wrong.
ifesbob 