Something ironic that I’ve noticed from being in both autistic mom groups and NT mom groups. Let’s pretend a child cries every time they have to be buckled in the car seat..
NT mom group: “tell them to deal with it, it’s for their safety” “ignore the outbursts, they’ll get used to it” “maybe the straps are too tight? If not, and nothing seems to be wrong with the seat, let them cry it out, safety is most important.” “Sometimes, you just gotta deal with it, hugs mama, sorry this is happening.”
Autistic mom group: “is your child verbal enough to express or show why they’re in distress?” “is the fabric of the car seat scratchy?” “Are the windows tinted? If not the sun may hurt.” “Maybe he wants someone to hold his hand, can you reach back and hold it maybe? anxiety is a real bitch” “transitions can be hard, especially on little humans, maybe give advance notice that you will be leaving in the car at x time?” “Obviously something has him distressed, does he have a toy he’s attached too and can hold?”
And they say autistics do not experience empathy.
This is extremely fucking true. Our friends are always marveling at how attentive we are to what our toddler is trying to communicate. I’m like… that’s… how you communicate with someone who you don’t share enough language with… that’s how you communicate with someone who’s ~~“”“"nonverbal”“”“”“~~~
the intersection of ageism and ableism is awful, and it really shows up squared in the way that abled adults just assume that there’s no way to communicate with neurodiverse kids. and babies, tbh, who they think of in a similar way.
If you think like that, please don’t ever have children.
Listen, my parents installed a lock on my door so I could lock everyone out of my room if I wanted to at sometime around 8 years old. They had a key of course for safety but they’ve never had to use it and they’ve never used it when they didn’t have to.
I was allowed full access to any books, movies, and internet I wanted fully informed about our family beliefs and practices but I was given no supervision once I reached about 13 because my parents trusted me to stick to the rules or not as I felt and come to them if there was anything that I had questions about.
As long as I said where I was going, who I was with, and when I was going to be back and then phone if anything changed I was allowed to do pretty much as I pleased from 13 onward.
I moved back in with my parents after university and the first conversation we had was my dad telling me that if I felt like they were treating me like a child to please tell them because they had no intention of doing so.
I still live with them and I’m comfortable here as an adult. When I eventually move out again, which I feel no rush to do because I feel respected and given more than enough elbow room, I will probably talk to them often if not everyday. Because they’ve always respected my privacy and my autonomy both physically and emotionally. If you want an independent and fictional child trusting them and giving them their space will do you many more favours than not.
meanwhile, my parents…
password protected my computer so i had to get permission every time i wanted to use it
put a passcode lock on our pantry so we couldn’t eat without permission
regularly checked our internet browsing history
shut off the internet at regular intervals, including when i needed it for university homework
did monthly checks of our bank statements and would confiscate money if they didn’t approve of our activities
in response, i went behind their backs and opened a new bank account, got a secret job, bought my own groceries, and used the wifi from the school across the street. they didn’t succeed in disciplining me. all they did was force me to distance myself from them.
your children are not your property. they are human beings, and they deserve basic human rights.
I really can’t stand people who don’t teach their kids how to be safe and like kind to animals. We were at the park today and Scarlett saw a dog. Scarlett is 4 and loves dogs but she knoowssss from me saying it so much not to run up to one. First she came to me and asked if she could go see it then we went to the women who’s dog it was and Scarlett asked if she could pet it.
The woman was like “wow it’s so nice to see her coming and asking me and keeping a distance before hand. My dog is so gentle and friendly but really skittish when people run towards her and has almost snapped at a few kids which scares me because I would be so hurt if she was put down” (not all at once we had a convo while Scarlett pet the dog) but like !!!!! Teach ur kids !!!!! To respect animals !!!! For theirs and animals safety !!!!
Me:i never forced him eat, now he will pretty much eat anything…except chicken casserole which we both agree is gross
Other parents:we don’t get it.
Me: our only rules are bed at eleven on a school night and don’t hack any important government agencies.
Other parents: you don’t restrict screen time?
Me: you know 95% of kids will self regulate, given the chance?
Other parents: thats not true
Me: have you tried it?
other parents:…but, now he’s reading 1984
Me: he has had a university reading level since he was 12, what am i going to do censor his reading material?
other Parents: what if he reads something you don’t approve of..
Me: i fail to see your reasoning…
Me: you know he cooks too..it’s our mother/son time, we talk about his friends…
other Parents: he talks??
That “he talks??” bit gets me
Yeah, kids talk. If your kid doesn’t talk to you, it’s because of one of two reasons:
You’ve created such a hostile/unwelcoming home environment that they don’t feel comfortable enough to talk
You have signaled to them somehow, some way, that you don’t care about what they have to say. That what they have to say isn’t important.
Kids are not stupid, not at any age level. They pick up on shit and they remember and then when they grow to be teenagers, they know who they can talk to about stuff and who they can’t.
My 13 year old nephew is not particularly affectionate with his mother and he rarely talks to her about anything important, but there are times I can’t get that kid to stop hanging off me and he has those serious conversations with me, like when we discussed his friends coming out to him as bisexual.
It’s not even that hard to make a kid feel loved and welcome. I don’t even know what my nephew is talking about half the time with his games, but they’re important to him, so I let him talk and I make appropriate noises of shock and sympathy when they are needed.
He watches a lot of YT channels, so we’ve discussed the importance of regulating your media, because I don’t want motherfuckers like PewDiePie shaping his world view.
He reads anything from Stephen King to manga and he does that because I’ve been reading him books since he was a baby. I do it with all of my nieces and nephews; when they get school-aged and old enough to read on their own, our “us” time is going to the bookstore and letting them pick out a drink and a book.
Because reading is important to me and I want it to be important to them, too. Now, it’s not something I suggest, it’s something that my nephew asks for.
“I finished my book, Aunt [Dessie], when can we go to the bookstore again?”
And when I tell him a date, I make sure to keep it.
Saying, “You can talk to me about anything” and “you can rely on me” is all well and good, but words are just words. You have to mean it and you have to show them that you mean it.
Otherwise, when it gets to those important moments in their life, they’re gonna shut you out rather than let you in.
Seriously though, you guys. Like.
Here is a secret:
Children and adolescents are actually fucking desperate for adult attention and approval. They really are. Even the ones that have in fact kinda got fucked up so far and have learned that The Only Kind Of Attention They’ll Get Is Bad and so act like shitheads, or the ones that have learned to be inhibited (and it might not even be you who inhibited them, it mighta been their peers or some teacher somewhere, which sucks!) and learned that by showing need they’ll just end up humiliated, or whatever?
Yeah them too.
Kids want to make you happy.
They’re often TERRIBLE AT IT. They’re kids. Their brains don’t work right, their bodies are weird, they have terrible impulse control, horrible deferred satisfaction, they’re shitty at projecting future consequences, and especially if they HAVEN’T been taught they’re probably bad at showing you positive emotions!
They’re BAD AT IT. And they often don’t want anyone to know it. And they’re embarrassed about it.
But they desperately want to. So much.
So one of the most crucial things is:
a) make sure they know how to make you happy. Don’t assume they can figure it out! They probably can’t!
b) make sure that’s something that is literally possible for them to do.
c) make sure, when they do it, that you SHOW THEM YOU’RE HAPPY WITH IT.
It is absolutely ASTONISHING HOW FAST this can create a self-sustaining cycle with the SMALLEST of starts.
Feeding your kids is not a favor. Buying them clothing and school supplies is not a favor. Encouraging their learning throughout life and making them feel loved are not favors. These are LITERALLY OBLIGATORY FOR EVERY PARENT. Parents—do NOT use these “kind” actions as proof of how good you are. Do not make your kids feel guilty for receiving things from you. You are achieving the bare minimum of parenting. Goddamn.
No. You remove your child from the scene (because children are often reacting to overstimulation such as the grocery store is too loud, the room is too bright, there’s people they don’t know around, they’ve been there too long etc) and go somewhere quiet. You then sit with them as they cry, reassuring them that you are present, and once they have stopped crying you offer comfort and ask if they know what it is that they were so upset about. Then you calmly talk to them so they – and you – can understand and fix the problem that was the root of the tantrum.
Bad example;
‘Why are you crying?’
‘I’m hungry’
‘Well we’re going home soon!’
Good example;
‘Do you know why you were crying?’
‘I’m hungry’
‘We’re at the grocery store to get food. We only have three more aisles to go. We can count them down together. Then we’ll go home and we can eat.’
Children don’t understand ‘soon’; even for adults, ‘soon’ is a relative term. children understand things like ‘three aisles. Two. One. Now we’re going home!’
Children need communication, understanding and teaching. Not beating, intimidating or belittling.
Get therapy.
I’m always amazed by posts like this, because they get mad at the child for “deciding to cry” without once consider that the child has an internal mental state and is unhappy. It just never occurs to make the child no longer unhappy, just to make the child shut up.
Can parents stop acting like providing a child’s basic needs is something to be earned? So many kids grow up traumatised because they were made to feel guilty about the existence they never asked for
Try “Any pet is a lot of responsibility. A puppy would have to be fed, walked, and taken outside to use the bathroom several times a day and taken for regular check-ups and vaccinations at the vet. You can’t do all of that by yourself, and I/we don’t have the time or money either.”
When your teenager says “Why can’t I come home at 2:00 this Saturday?”
Instead of defaulting to “My house, my rules!”
Try “The time you come home is a matter of respect and consideration. I/We will not only be concerned for your safety, but we would either be disturbed in the middle of the night when you arrive or forced to stay up for several extra hours waiting.”
When your child says “Why am I not allowed to do this thing?”
Instead of defaulting to “My house, my rules!”
Try actually communicating a legitimate reason, because children pick up on subtlety and on context and on the unspoken messages, and it’s better to teach children lessons like “You should think really hard before taking on new responsibilities” and “It’s important to show consideration for the needs of the people with whom you share a living space” than lessons like “It’s okay for people to demand your absolute obedience so long as you’re dependent on them for survival.”
TRUTH
Also worth knowing: training your child to accept arbitrary ‘reasons’ for obedience like ‘because I said so’ and ‘my house my rules’ etc trains them to be more susceptible to peer pressure because in their mind, when someone who is at all an authority (older than them, bigger than them, more impressive than them, more confident than them) demands something, they should accept it and not think about it critically.
Let them ask why, and give them a real reason. If not, don’t be surprised when they fall for lots of bullshit when they are older. You’re the one that made them believe ‘BECAUSE’ was reason enough.
ifesbob 