When I was a child, from the time I was about four and could understand things, my mom told me and my brother that we should have a secret word. That way, if we were ever in trouble or felt unsafe and we didn’t want the people around us to know we needed her to come get us, we could let her know. So she let us pick the word and my brother and I chose the phrase “peanut butter cups.” (I’m happy to share the phrase now since both my brother and I are adults now).
I used the phrase twice in my life. Once, I was at a friends house when I eight years old. Her dad got really drunk and was throwing things against the wall. I was really scared and I didn’t want to draw attention to myself on the phone when I called my mom to come get me because I didn’t know if he would get more violent if I asked her to come get me. So I called her and was calm and after a couple minutes I asked “Hey mommy, did you get me those peanut butter cups from the store?” And she said “I’ll be right there.” And she came and got me within minutes.
Second, I was a teenager spending the night at a friends house. Her brother and dad were drinking and they started talking about things that made me uncomfortable – ie: what they liked to do to women. My friend didn’t seem perturbed and said that was normal for them and that I shouldn’t worry. But I was worried because they were really drunk and I was 15 and the only ‘woman’ around that wasn’t related to them. I went in my friends room, told her I needed to call my mom and say goodnight. Before I hung up with her I asked “Next time we go to the store, can we get some peanut butters cups? I’ve been craving them.” And she came and got me, just like that.
Two incidents, one as a young child, one years later as a teen. Don’t discredit this stuff, it fucking works. My brother used it a few times too. Let your child pick the word and no never, ever, ever, ever get mad at them for using it no matter what it is.
other great things about being a smart kid: anytime you ever struggle with anything your parent/teacher/authority figure’s reaction is an irritated “you’re smart! i know you can get this!”
YES. THANK YOU. THE ONLY REASON I’M NOT INSTANTANEOUSLY AN EXPERT IS THAT I WANT TO MAKE IT SPECIFICALLY HARDER ON YOU. AND MYSELF! I LOVE MUTUAL AGONY AND TORTURE. IT BRINGS ME JOY TO FRUSTRATE VENGEFUL ADULTS.
I was thinking about this recently because as glad as I am that I wasn’t put down, I don’t like this being the reaction every time I go for help.
“I’m struggling with this, help!”
“No it’s easy! Youre capable! You’re just not trying hard enough!” *doesnt help or give advice* *lets person take full consequences of subsequent failure or even punishes them for it*
Results in
a) believes asking for help is not acceptable and will just make other people resent you
b) interprets “you can do it” as an ultimatum, eg. “Failure will not be tolerated!”
c) on that note, difficulty accepting genuine encouragement because it feels like a threat
What? We can’t even call poor behavior bad anymore? This script could only have been written by someone who doesn’t have kids I swear.
But seriously. I’m not coddling my kids by avoiding the term “bad” it comes to their behavior. You going to start saying criminals aren’t bad guys just “brand new guys”? Stupid.
I think you might be missing the point. It’s important for kids to know that they are not inherently “bad“ because of bad behavior. They are not permanently defined by their mistakes. The father rightly corrected the behavior by issuing a punishment, but he wants the kid to know that he’s not going to stay mad at him or define him as a “bad kid” because he made a bad choice.
Think about what you were saying when they used to talk to you. Think about your choice of words and tone. Think about why they tried to come to you and why they don’t anymore. When you shut them out, belittle them, and blame them for all of their problems, you will lose them. And that will be permanent.
How to determine if a kids injury is serious or not
offer them “medicinal chocolate” if they stop crying it’s fine if they carry on crying/refuse the chocolate then it’s serious
From age two apparently^^
Oh wow I never heard this one.
German edition: offer the kid to blow away the pain. If it’s better afterwards it’s okay, if they refuse or still screaming it’s serious
Also a lot healthier than giving your kid chocolate everytime they cry tbh
It’s not everytime they cry it’s only if they get injured and you’re unsure if it’s serious because they are screaming but you can’t tell if they are overreacting or not
For things that are clearly a minor bump we give kisses instead
And before anyone thinks if a kid is screaming it’s not an over reaction
My kid fell off their bike and skinned their knee. Just skinned it that’s all and they went into full on scream/crying hysterical because it was bleeding and they hadn’t had an injury where they bled within their memory
It wasn’t so much the pain as the blood that made them hysterical.
In that case we could see it wasn’t serious but the chocolate helped them calm down and then I got them to tell me about Terraria until they were calm and their wound was dressed
It was absolutely an overreaction to a skinned knee but it was also an understandable one
Kids don’t have experience or pain tolerance we do and sometimes it’s hard to tell if it’s something that requires a trip to the hospital or not
DO NOT DISMISS SOMETHING A CHILD IS PROUD OF. LOOK AT IT. POINT SOMETHING OUT AND TELL THEM YOU LOVE IT. IF A CHILD DRAWS YOU A RAINBOW, TELL THEM YOU LOVE HOW IT HAS RED. THEY WILL THINK “WOW. IT DOES HAVE RED. THEY LOVE HOW I PUT RED IN IT. I PUT RED IN IT. AND THEY NOTICED.” MAKE SURE YOUR CHILD KNOWS YOU ARE PROUD OF THEM.
This is my son, Chester, who is nearly 4. He was invited to his friend Chloe’s birthday party today, the theme was prince and princesses. He asked if he could go as Sleeping Beauty, so I bought him a dress and put a cute little clip in his hair.
We arrived at the party to the following comments from the adults present: “Oh that is just cruel.”
“Why did you make him wear a dress?”
“Poor little man, what’s your mummy playing at?”
“He’s going to hate you when he grows up.”
“No way I’d let my son dress like a girl.”
The fact is, Chester is almost completely gender neutral. I let him wear what he wants, be it boys or girls clothes, and he plays with whatever toys he likes. This usually involves him holding tea parties while wearing his pink Minnie Mouse top, jeans and a tiara. The guests are more often than not a mixture of Winnie The Pooh characters, dinosaurs, Barbie, Dora and solders, and they’re usually transported in his favorite fire engine.
When my husband arrived at the party later on, he was subjected to endless ridicule from the other dad’s present about how I must keep his balls in my back pocket because otherwise he would have put his foot down and not allowed Chester out like that. Oh, and by the way, our other son dressed as Ariel. When my husband pointed out that the boys were happy, and the mother of the birthday child made a point of saying how wonderful she thought it was that we allowed them freedom of choice and expression, they then stopped talking about it to our faces and started muttering about us behind our backs.
Interestingly enough, not a single child said a word about their choice of costumes, other than to compliment Chester on his new dress.
I just finished babysitting my friend’s children, and she has most definitely mastered the no spanking/alternative discipline route. I always talk about taking it because I don’t believe in abusing children, but I’ve never personally seen it in action by a Black parent. Her children are 2 and 5 and they are the kindest, nicest toddlers I’ve ever met. They listen to her because she’s their mom and they automatically recognize she’s important and she gives them what they want (love and affection and rewards). In return they like to clean for her and give her artwork and cuddles all of the time.
To get them to listen to her, she makes sure to listen to them and what they’ve got to say instead of telling them to shut up all the time. The 5 year old asked her a few months ago why you can’t eat food that was on the floor after picking up food on the floor, and she explained it calmly and clearly. He asked 4 other questions after that and she answered all of them. He was satisfied and happy with the answers, and ever since he hasn’t done those things. She lets them gush and gush about Hot Wheels or Team Umizoomi and engages with them and counts with them and everything, so they never feel alone or neglected enough to not want to obey.
My friend lets them make mistakes by themselves on the rare chance they don’t listen so they can learn from them and let that be punishment enough. For example, the younger one we’ve been telling not to go near the dog cage because he doesn’t like dogs. He went near it a while ago, got his hand licked, freaked out, and hasn’t been anywhere near it since. The board on the wall that she uses has a column for each boy horizontally, and vertically are all the traits she wants them to have, like being nice, listening to her and their teachers, eating their food, cleaning up, having manners, etc. They get a sticker whenever they do it for the day, and they lose all their stickers when they break a habit. That’s enough punishment for them, so they don’t break it.
When they wake up, it’s cleanup time, or bedtime, she plays what she calls “musical habits”. She puts on a playlist of their favorite songs (it’s like 20-25 minutes) that make them feel motivated, and they should be finished getting ready or cleaning by the time the last song is over. If they’re not, they get a toy from their toy bin taken away or an Oreo from their snack bag taken out (aka eaten by her). But she hasn’t ever gotten to that because they always finish. They don’t even like hearing the consequences lol. And I just wanted to say I really enjoyed seeing good parenting by a Black woman that wasn’t abusive or harmful to the child’s development, it gave me inspiration and hope. Just had to talk about it somewhere.
THIS IS GOOD WHOLESOME PARENTING
This gives me hope. I’m gonna try to emulate this if I have kids
Why is this even a question? How is your child meant to learn to apologize when you don’t do it yourself as a parent?
This is actually a really important factor in how I establish healthy, trusting relationships with kiddos at work. I am a human and therefore make mistakes, which children will catch and call me out for, because children are information sponges with no verbal filters.
When a kid says, “but miss tommy, i thought you said we’re not supposed to do that,” I answer, “You’re right. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I won’t do it again.” It could be something small, maybe a kid sees me biting my nails, or maybe I grabbed a kid by the arm who was about to collide with something solid but I grabbed too hard. Whatever it is, it’s important to
acknowledge the mistake,
apologize to the kid,
and verbalize a plan to correct it.
Not only does this model HOW to make an effective apology, but it establishes trust on many levels. The children who witness the exchange now know that:
I will be honest with them even if it does not serve my ego,
I care about their feelings,
and I am taking their needs seriously.
Apologize to your kids when you mess up! It won’t diminish your authority as their grown-up, it shows that you respect that authority!
This is one thing emotionally abusive parents are known for. Holding power over accountability and they wonder why their children don’t want to be around when they get older.
One of the most important things my dad ever did growing up was apologize when he was in the wrong. I clearly remember the epiphany I has a child that if a big grown-up like my dad could apologize to a little kid like me, then even grown ups can make mistakes and I was valued and it was important to be accountable to no matter who you were.
ifesbob 