No. You remove your child from the scene (because children are often reacting to overstimulation such as the grocery store is too loud, the room is too bright, there’s people they don’t know around, they’ve been there too long etc) and go somewhere quiet. You then sit with them as they cry, reassuring them that you are present, and once they have stopped crying you offer comfort and ask if they know what it is that they were so upset about. Then you calmly talk to them so they – and you – can understand and fix the problem that was the root of the tantrum.
Bad example;
‘Why are you crying?’
‘I’m hungry’
‘Well we’re going home soon!’
Good example;
‘Do you know why you were crying?’
‘I’m hungry’
‘We’re at the grocery store to get food. We only have three more aisles to go. We can count them down together. Then we’ll go home and we can eat.’
Children don’t understand ‘soon’; even for adults, ‘soon’ is a relative term. children understand things like ‘three aisles. Two. One. Now we’re going home!’
Children need communication, understanding and teaching. Not beating, intimidating or belittling.
When it comes to parents making choices for their children, a lot of people defend the parents’ right to autonomy, to make their own parenting choices (e.g. religiously motivated ones).
But the right to autonomy is about your own life. Yes, you have the full right to decide over your life. For example, a person may be asked in a hospital setting whether they want to be reanimated should something go wrong, as some religious people are against this. It’s your right to make that decision.
But we’re not talking about your life. We’re talking about the child’s life. And a parent does not have absolute control to decide whatever they want for their child. Because they have a RESPONSIBILITY first and foremost. No personal motivations trump their responsibility to provide in the child’s basic needs, e.g. food and medical care. If their personal choices conflict with their responsibility to their child, it is not a choice they have the right to make. Period. If they do, they are guilty of neglect and/or abuse and are unfit to be a parent.
A child is a person, not a possession. You do not have the right to make choices for them that are detrimental to their well-being.
not to sound like a crazy sjw but parents putting little girls in frilly dresses/lavish clothes and telling them not to run, climb, play in dirt, etc lest they ruin their outfits or somebody look up their skirts is one of the most direct ways we as a society teach girls that they are only ornamental and cut their childhoods short
Don’t do this. Actually it gets worse: one of my friend’s dressed her first born in nothing but frilly dresses all day every day and as a result she took forever to learn to crawl and later walk- having to get physios and child health involved. Took a while before anyone clicked that “HEY your baby can’t move freely through all these layers and frills”. Poor kid.
I have a friend who has a child, and their child is always sick. Always crying. Just generally, not a very happy wee lamb. Every other day she’ll come to me, complaining how awful it is to have a Difficult Child. And at first I made all the right sympathetic noises, I consoled her, I asked how I could help.
And then her kid gets allergy testing done, and several allergies are confirmed, and I think great! This is likely why they are always upset and ill! Maybe now they can get better!
And my friend… does not stop exposing them to the allergies.
“But they’re allergic to wheat,” I say, “and milk, and you’re still giving them those things.”
“Oh but they’re only minor allergies, not like, anything dangerous.”
“But that’s not… that’s not how that works,” I say, trying to be helpful, as I explain that even low level inflammation can be extremely detrimental in the long term, and extremely painful to deal with and how exposure therapy doesn’t always work. So of course he’s always sick and always crying. Of course he is.
And she rolls her eyes and says, “Look, I know you think you know a lot about health. But you’re not a parent, so I can’t expect you to understand.”
Because apparently upon the benediction of motherhood, the sacred knowledge of the universe is imparted to you the moment the umbilical cord is cut. Because apparently someone who is sick all the time, wouldn’t be able to understand. Except of course I don’t understand her. I understand her child. And what it’s like to be ignored, and hurt, and abused. And sick.
And suddenly you realize, maybe your friend is not your friend in the way you thought they were. And maybe, likely, probably, they shouldn’t be a parent.
Joy
So uh
Where’s she live, and unrelated question; does she mind having her face shoved into a hive of angry bees
Think about what you were saying when they used to talk to you. Think about your choice of words and tone. Think about why they tried to come to you and why they don’t anymore. When you shut them out, belittle them, and blame them for all of their problems, you will lose them. And that will be permanent.
This.
My therapist legit called my mom out on this shit. She keeps calling me a “non-functioning adult” and my therapist heard her say it and was like “WOAH! Ok you need to stop that immediately. Do you realize you’re belittling her? That you’re labeling her for life? You then judge her for having low self-esteem and drive to do things when you actively oppress her by labeling her like that.” And I glanced at Mom and him and Mom was like real quiet and was like “okay”. She has yet to say it since. So yeah. Parents don’t even realize this shit. And I’m almost 21… This happened less than a month ago. You are talking to tiny humans. Treat them that way! Like a human!!!
Also!!! Not to detract from this point but to add on: are you initiating interactions with them? (Beyond reprimands and etc.) Just like with any other relationships in your life, if one side always has to be the one to ask for attention and start conversations, its inevitable they will assume you just don’t care about them. Why would someone come to you if they think you don’t care about them past controlling them or punishing them?
yes but this is not 1985 anymore things have changed literally everything is different so what you did when you were my age is completely irrelevant why is this so hard for parents to understand
Don’t expect society to put up with your little brats
seems reasonable though ?
“Horrified”
??? That’s a perfectly reasonable request tho???
HOW DARE YOU ASK US TO ACTUALLY PARENT!?
Okay but…story time because I work at a fucking restaurant. Specifically one that has every single main dish on those hotplates. A kid ran into me one time as I was carrying two empty trays back to the kitchen and sent me into the edge of a brick wall right next to me. Like my side collided into the outwards edge and holy fuck y’all know that hurts. AND I almost dropped the trays on the stupid kid. I had to sit out of work for like half an hour cuz it hurt that much, and bruised badly for a few days mind you, while my manager yelled at the customer family for letting the child run around like that. Luckily the family had shame and apologised and left, but godammit if I had been carrying a tray of hot food fresh from the kitchen I wouldn’t have been the only one hurt for sure and injuries would’ve been much worse.
TL;DR DON’T LET YOUR TINY CHILDREN RUN AROUND IN A RESTAURANT. IT’S NOT A PLAYGROUND. IT’S DANGEROUS FOR BOTH THE STAFF, THE OTHER CUSTOMERS, AND THE ACTUAL CHILDREN.
ifesbob 