If someone says something that you only partially understand:
DON’T ask for clarification with a generic “What?” or “I’m sorry?” (In my experience, people will repeat the phrase the exact same way without helping you to understand).
Example:
Them: “Hey, do you like pahganabasa?”
Autistic Person: “What?”
Them: “Do you like pahganabasa?”
Autistic Person: “I’m sorry, what?”
Them (annoyed): “Do you like pahganabasa?”
Instead, DO repeat the part that you did understand, and substitute a “What?” for the unintelligable part.
Example:
Them: “Hey, do you like pahganabasa?”
Autistic Person: “Do I like what?”
Them: “Pineapple pizza?”
Autistic Person: (Understands the words!)
I’ve also had successes with “I’m sorry, I only heard the first half of that sentence,” or actually verbalizing my interpretation of the part I heard incorrectly as a question: “Pahgana… basa?”.
Sometimes that makes the speaker think that they might be mumbling, or verbalizing in a way that makes them difficult to understand (because there are times it’s really not your brain–it’s their mouth).
This is also a lifesaver if you have Auditory Processing Disorder. It stopped the amount of annoyed sighs because ppl thought I was deliberately ignoring them or them saying the same thing but louder (which does not help when volume isn’t the problem)
okay i have to ask but whats up with the stereotype that all autistic people are super interested in trains ? like i know we have huge varieties of possible special interests that could be sort of niche like how ive had a several lifetimes long fixation on megafaunal squid but where did this particular trope come from like whats up with it ? most autistic people ive met are obsessed with pikachu
don’t know what parent of an autistic child needs to hear this but as long as they’re not harming anyone your kid’s stimming is not a “problem behaviour”
in our house we have a few categories of stimming behavior.
1. the no category. this is for things that are unsafe. hurting self (head banging, scratching), hurting others, chewing on choking hazards. i know this is excluded in OP’s post, but i’m putting it on my list because if you parent an autistic child and deal with this, you have to be aware that a key to off-limits stimming is redirection. stimming satisfies an important physical and neurological need for the autistic brain, and that behavior is sensory-seeking. if you must say no, please also offer options or help redirecting to appropriate outlets for pressure, motion, rhythm, chewing, etc.
2. the shared space category. listen, i get that a lot of people are assholes about things that aren’t hurting them. that’s not what this category is for. but we have a household with multiple autistic individuals and a work from home situation. “shared space” is the code phrase we use for “please take this stimming to a different location.” sometimes, aural stims like repetitive noises or physical stims like pacing can be legitimately distracting to other people in a room (or car!). in the case of other autistic people, it might even feel painful or mentally consuming. this category is no-judgment “please move to another location to continue stimming this way.” it’s not bad, it’s not wrong, you aren’t being shamed– just do your best to respect others and their needs or comfort, and leave the communal area or lower your volume.
3. the you do you category. it doesn’t matter that nobody else is doing this to feel comfortable or happy– you aren’t hurting anyone else, you aren’t being disruptive in a space other people are using together. go for it.
and in every single category, anger has no place in redirecting a stim. not even the no category. stimming isn’t malicious, there’s no actual moral requirement to be “less weird” or “like everyone else.” even reminders like “you aren’t the only person in this room and that’s very loud” don’t need anger. stims aren’t done at anyone. they’re just the body expressing a kind of neurological hunger, and whether the answer is “enjoy that!” or “this isn’t safe for you to eat (ie, do)” fury doesn’t help.
oh shit this is a REALLY helpful way to conceptualize stimming and competing needs.
My girlfriend, ADHD: *spitting out words at an ungodly rate for like an hour straight*
Me, her autistic gf who doesn’t mind the rants because it means I don’t have to talk:
I personally like to be nonverbal when possible because it’s just more comfortable, but that doesn’t mean I necessarily like to be alone all the time. I do like the company of my friends but I hate having to respond all the time because it’s tiring.
My girlfriend though, talks so fucking much. I hope she never stops.
ifesbob 