Don’t have kids if you’re traumatized and it’s going to get in the way of raising a kid safely and healthily and not in a way that’s also gonna traumatize them in a different way. And don’t have kids if you think it’s going to “heal yourself through the purest form of love” children and their childhoods aren’t your guinea pigs to experiment with for your own healing
I want kids and specifically don’t want my trauma to mess with them, so I’m reading a lot about emotional parental abuse and developmental psychology.
There are things that are inexcusable, unforgivable, and never ever allowed for parent to do to a child, no matter the circumstances, no matter what you did, no matter how they did it or what they intended. If a parent, or anyone else, does this, you do not have to forgive them, you do not have to let it go, you do not have to leave it in the past, and you do not have to trust this person ever again.
1. Physical violence. Beating, slapping, spanking, throwing objects, breaking your possessions, using a weapon, physically forcing you into actions against your will, not allowing sleep or eating, forcing physical contact, forcing eating, physical intimidation and threat of violence. All are inexcusable, you cannot provoke them, each one a crime against your person.
2. Death Threats. It doesn’t matter how they said it, if they dismissed it as a joke, if you couldn’t tell if they really meant it, if you think you shouldn’t have taken it seriously. A death threat, no matter how subtle, vague or in which tone it was said, causes permanent inability to feel safe. It is not acceptable for anyone, in any tone of voice, any situation, to imply or threat discontinuation of your life.
3. Slurs. Insults that were used for a long term to dehumanize, devalue, and express hatred towards entire groups of people are not to be used on a child! By their own parents! Slurs are expressions of utmost hatred and disgust, desire to harm and dehumanize, there is no excuse for using them on you, and certainly no need to forgive anyone who demands that you are not a human being.
4. Blackmail. Being forced to shape your decisions, your actions, words and emotions around a threat of being stripped of your well being, knowledge that unless you do what is asked of you, you will be forced to bear harm, to endure abuse that you find unbearable, being forced into a corner and having to allow yourself to be controlled in order to survive, that is not humane, that is not forgivable.
5. Psychological Abuse. A parent demanding that the abuse is for your own good, telling you that hurting you will make you better, demanding that you’re weak for getting hurt, degrading you to an animal or object, insisting that the abuse is your own fault, demanding that you deserve pain, that you need it, convincing you they’re not hurting you at all while they abuse you, gaslighting your senses, minimizing all that you are and all that you do, dismissing your humanity and brainwashing you to doubt yourself, doubt your worth, doubt your abilities, doubt your value, this is complete psychological destruction of a person and not something you could ever forgive.
6. Sexual Abuse. In any form. I’m not only talking sexual contact, a parent is not allowed to look at you in sexual way, talk about you or at you in a sexual way, comment subtly on your sexuality or your body, spy on your private moments, expose you to sexual material, imply in any way they own or control your sexuality, compare you to anyone sexually or in any way degrade you to a sexual object in their eyes. And they are not to ever, ever, touch you in a sexual way. Not even think about it. If you even get a predatory or sexual vibe from one of your parents, it’s wrong. It’s unsafe. No trust.
7. Humiliation. Both public and private. Forcing shame and degradation on you in front of others is psychologically and socially destructive, it causes trauma, toxic shame, and emotional isolation from others, it puts you apart as if you’re somehow less, unwanted and seen as disgusting by the social environment. It can hurt just as much knowing that in private, with someone you trust, you’re being used as a toy for their sadism. This kind of abuse is not from a person who could ever care about you. It’s not forgivable.
8. Emotion policing. Absolutely nobody gets to decide what you should and shouldn’t be feeling. Nobody gets to interfere with you feeling your own feelings. Nobody gets to punish you for the way you feel. Nobody gets to tell you how you feel. Anyone trying to police and control your emotions is a danger. Anyone demanding for your emotions to be convenient to them is a danger. Nobody gets to compromise your own ability to experience and feel your own life in order to benefit and get what they want from you. Anyone trying to do so is destroying your emotional well being for their own selfishness. And you don’t ever have to forgive someone who was ready to destroy you for their gain.
9. Trauma invalidation. Any kind of invalidation hurts. All and any invalidation of your feelings, memories, opinions and conclusions hurts. It’s all painful and dangerous abuse, and it can hurt you as far as pushing you into insanity. But trauma invalidation is the most destructive, harmful, and hateful kind of abuse. Someone invalidating what already destroyed you will add up to the original trauma and reinforce it. It’s personal. It’s sabotaging your recovery. It’s pushing you further into trauma. It’s extremely malicious and deteriorating to your life and your health. You do not have to ever forgive it. You can do all it takes to stay safe from it.
10. Pushing into suicide. No matter what circumstances or intention, if you are feeling close already, and someone decides to give you a final push, give you extra reasons or ideas to why you should do it, imply that it would be better if you were dead and if you ended yourself, or in another way cause this “close” to get “closer”, they are a huge danger. This is equivalent to a murder attempt, and it should be taken very seriously. Keep yourself safe from this kind of abuse at any cost. Your life is on the line. You do not ever have to forgive a murder attempt, in any form.
lovely. today i remembered why i don’t hang around kids. my brother brought his friends to our house and since he knew his friend was scared of Furbys, he brought Lopez down to scare him. his friend then proceeded to yell and curse and threaten to smash Lopez with a basketball/throw him across the room. I said “that’s not nice he’s just a toy and I love him. he’s my friend”. then he said, to my face, “only retards and crazy-ass bitches have Furbys, and you must be both if you think that thing is your friend”
so yeah i’m in my room now, trying not to get mad, cuz apparently being autistic makes me a retard and owning a Furby makes me a crazy-ass bitch. i should have seen this coming sooner or later
listen. if you have kids, teach them to be accepting of people’s hobbies and likes and dislikes. especially when it involves toys or dolls. they’re toys. they can’t hurt you. also, maybe teach your kids not to call their friend’s sister the r-slur. maybe.
i don’t want anyone to ever feel like i feel right now
violence against people who are in psychiatric institutions is not lesser or somehow more deserved if the people who are in institutions “deserve” to be there or “belong” there
aka people who hear voices and and communicate with angels and demons and God and ufos and who don’t feed or clothe themselves don’t deserve ANY form of abuse even the tiniest, slightest, faintest fraction more than someone who was “really sane” and ended up in an institution “by mistake”
furthermore, the ability to institutionalize and abuse “innocent” people wouldn’t exist if the ability to institutionalize and abuse “actually crazy” people didn’t exist
but my bottom line is being “crazy” does not make you worthy or deserving of abuse in any way
your abuse was not somehow fake because of your abuser’s gender, or race, or age, or mental state, or anything else about them. you deserve every kindness and understanding any other victim does.
When you understand people’s actions have more to do with who they are than who you are, things become less personal and letting go becomes easier.
It is not possible that the cruelty you gave me was spun from the love I gave you. My compassion had nothing to do with your response to it. You were mean because you are miserable and you are miserable because you refuse to put in work to heal and change. I was not the catalyst and your treatment of me was never a reflection of my actual worth. My willingness to accept it was my lack of self-love. The act of walking away from it is the very beginning of a recognition that I am not a representation of your misery.
i feel like everybody has potential to change and grow but if you’re an abuser people have the right to remember and know you only as that because that’s part of who you are, and the results of your treatment are apart of who you made your victims become. once you’re abusive you can’t take it back and say “i’ve changed” you literally ruined somebody’s life, to them you’ll always be an abuser and it’s not something you can decide to say you aren’t anymore. you don’t make those calls.
ifesbob 