bpd–daisy:

No matter what, you never deserve abuse.

  • You never deserve abuse because you’re too needy or clingy
  • You never deserve abuse because you “let it happen” or “didn’t fight back” or “didn’t stand up for yourself”
  • You never deserve abuse because you “let it get this far” or you “stayed this long”
  • You never deserve abuse because your abuser is your mother or father, sister or brother, other family member, your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancée, husband, or wife
  • You never deserve abuse because you have a particular mental or physical illness
  • You never deserve abuse because you’re “too emotional”
  • You never deserve abuse because you were “asking for it”
  • You never deserve abuse even though you’ve made mistakes, or said something wrong, or haven’t understood something, or can’t remember something
  • You never deserve abuse for being “too much” or “not good enough”
  • You never deserve abuse for having off days or being vulnerable sometimes
  • You never deserve abuse for asking for help
  • You never deserve abuse, no matter how many times and how many ways your abuser justifies it or makes excuses for it.

superwoman1111:

dechart:

wholeheartedsuggestions:

nonsemsical:

wholeheartedsuggestions:

🚩 some red flags i wish i’d not ignored 🚩

don’t choose love of them over love of you.

  • they always make you the one to blame and make you feel bad but don’t take blame
  • you’re fighting so often your friends know who you’re fighting with before you even say
  • you feel the urge to apologize just to fix things
  • they make you feel your best but more often make you feel your worst
  • their love is conditional
  • when you make up, you’re just waiting for things to fall apart again
  • you question if you’re a bad person because they tell you something is wrong with you
  • in your head, you know it’s better to leave but that “but i love them” always makes you stay
  • you question their actions but brush it off as paranoia or blame it on a bad day
  • it’s a cycle
  • people in your life are telling you this is bad for you
  • sometimes they’re almost too good at making you feel better after you’ve made up, like not losing them is worth it
  • you begin to think love is synonymous with staying or sacrificing
  • you put them before yourself even if they never asked you to
  • you put them before everyone in your life
  • they come to mind whenever you have something you feel you need to talk out
  • you aren’t sure if they love you back
  • you give more than you get
  • the facts don’t always add up right
  • you catch them in little lies or find them breaking promises
  • you cry over them more often than you smile with them
  • you feel like you’re playing a game or being played

FEEL FREE TO ADD… THIS APPLIES TO ALL KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS

they come to mind whenever you have something you feel you need to talk out

can someone explain this to me please? (Idw an argument I just want to learn)

ex: you have therapy and they’re the main topic or if you’re with friends and want to vent, you vent about them

Just so yall know, toxic friendships are a thing. I can relate to most of those because I had a really, really, really toxic friend till i called it cuts. It’s really important to emphasize that it doesn’t happen only in romantic relationships.

@dechart Same. I think it was made clear that this applies to all types of relationships tho. Sometimes our friends r closer than lovers bc we allow them in further. So it hurts harder when u realize this is what happened.

geekdawson:

one of the more valuable things I’ve learned in life as a survivor of a mentally unstable parent is that it is likely that no one has thought through it as much as you have. 

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

The best thing I ever did for myself and my relationships was insist upon frank communication and a categorical denial of subtext. For some people this is a moral stance. For survivors of mentally unstable parents this is a requirement of recovery. 

salamanderinspace:

onceuponadreamgirl:

ok this is important to me. gaslighting is not a synonym for lying. it’s a type of lying. if someone says to you “the sky is green,” that’s a lie. if you say “the sky is blue” and they respond “no, it’s green, you’re wrong, your eyes are playing tricks on you” THAT’S gaslighting. the crucial requirement is that they try to convince you not only that you are wrong but that you shouldn’t trust your own senses. that you’re imagining something/hallucinating/dreaming. the abuser is trying to make themselves more of an authority on reality than your own mind, often with the goal of making you reliant on them to tell you “truth” from “fiction.”

also a crucial part of gaslighting:

the gaslighter has to know they are giving you incorrect information.  they have to know, on some level, that they are manipulating you.  If someone is giving you bad information because THEY have bad information, because their eyes and ears and perception can’t be trusted, it’s important to know that.  That’s not gaslighting, it’s just the other person being wrong.  It does happen.

baby-honeyy:

thnksfrthmania:

infjwriter:

underachieved-witch:

2srooky:

thegoodlion:

soulsoaker:

turing-tested:

hey so protip if you have abusive parents and need to get around the house as quietly as possible, stay close to furniture and other heavy stuff because the floor is settled there and it’s less likely to creak

  • socks are quieter than bare feet on tile/wood and for the love of god don’t wear slippers/shoes if you can help it
  • climbing ON the furniture will disrupt the pattern of your footsteps and make it harder to hear where you are in the house
  • crawling will do the same and if you get caught crawling you can pretend you fell 
  • the floor near the wall can be really loud if the floorboards/carpet is old and not completely flush to the wall
  • do NOT attempt to use a rolling chair to travel without footsteps. they are extremely loud and hard to steer

Also. Breath with your mouth and not your nose. Your nose will whistle. Trust me.
If you need to get into your fridge, jab your finger into the rubber part that seals the door closed and create a tiny airway. This will prevent the suction noise when you open the door.
When drinking liquids (juice mostly), pour out your glass (or chug from the jug) and replace what you drank with water. If it was full enough in the beginning, no one will notice. DO NOT STEAL ALCOHOL. THEY WILL NOTICE IF IT’S WATERED DOWN.
Bring a pillowcase for dried foods like cereal and granola. It helps to muffle the sound it makes when it pours.

If your house has snack packs (like gummy bears or crackers or chips), count them every day until you know the rhythm that they get consumed. (This took me a week and a half with my twin brother and sister). Then join the rhythm when you make your nightly visits. It will be that much harder to figure out it was you.

KEEP A TRASH BAG UNDER YOUR BED FOR WRAPPERS AND STUFF BUT DONT FORGET TO THROW IT OUT WHENEVER YOU CAN. BUGS YKNOW.
Hope this helped.

I might have some useful info to add.

-a jar of peanut butter is long lasting and easy to hide under a bed or in a dresser drawer. I lived off of jars of peanut butter and boxes of saltine crackers I would buy on grocery trips with my mom.

-two words: Slipper Socks. These are the socks that have rubber designs on the bottom for grip. They make no noise, and also keep you steady on slicker surfaces like tile and wood. You can find them cheap at Walmart. They also keep your feet more protected if you’re outside.

-if you’re secure enough in your room to have a small food stash, make sure you’re not too obvious about it (duh) but also move its location every few days. I kept mine in a shoebox under my bed, then switched it to a backpack in my closet, then wedged between my bookshelf and wall, and I would cycle locations until i moved it permanently to a false-bottomed drawer I installed in my dresser when my father was gone for a weekend. I would NEVER put food directly into my stash after taking it. I would keep it in pockets of my clothes and between books until everyone went to sleep, then I’d stock and stow my stash for the next few days.

-get a water bottle with a filter in it. I used to be able to reach my bathroom from my bedroom door down the hall using a huge step or minor jump/leap. If I was afraid of being caught at night, I’d fill up the humidifier tank we kept under our sink while I took a short shower, and would refill my water that way. It might not be the best option, but I kept a small stockade of water under my bed for emergencies.

-if you can, smuggle your garbage out in your backpack or purse. Dispose of it at work/school. I got caught twice by carelessly throwing away packaging.

-if someone knows the situation you’re going through (close friend/partner/etc) see if there’s a way for them to get food or other supplies to you at school or work or what private time you may get. A hidden first aid kit literally saved parts of my body before and I owe it to a close friend.

-try learning the building’s natural rhythm. The house I grew up in would creak and settle heavily every night for 3-5 minutes. That was my shot, and I had to be QUICK. I still got caught a few times, but learning the patterns in our floors and walls, when they creaked, WHERE they creaked, kept me going. Eventually I was sprinting in slipper socks to the kitchen and back in less than 90 seconds.

-if you have stairs, or live upstairs. Sit as you go down them one at a time, or climb up them like an animal. It keeps you low/out of lots of motion sight, and also can reduce noise and creaking by distributing weight over more than 1-2 steps.

-You can use common hand sanitizer to remove the stains certain snack foods leave behind (coughs cheeto fingers) and a dry toothbrush can help scrub the color off your tongue. If you can get powdered toothpaste or toothpaste tabs to keep on hand, it makes a huge difference in sneakiness.

-I don’t recommend going for dried foods like granola or cereal unless you can sneak it to a secure place to get it. It’s too loud, it’s a gamble every time for something with less caloric intake than it’s worth if you get caught. Of course, there are times when that’s the only option!!

-if you’re taking milk, add water, but be SURE to shake/agitate the bottle to distribute the dairy fat with the water. I got into the habit of shaking milk jugs when I started sneaking it, and explained the habit as something I read in an old comic strip my father showed me. (Back when whole milk had a lot more cream fats and they’d separate, so shaking it would redistribute the cream.) I still shake milk jugs to this day.

-if your windows open or don’t have screens, eat leaning out an open window. Any food mess will be lost in the dirt. I was lucky I had bushes and birds outside that would catch my granola bar crumbs before anyone could notice.

-canned goods are tempting, but not worth it. It requires too many tools (can opener/strained sometimes/utensils/some need heat) stick to thinks like various nut butters (sunflower/peanut/almond), crackers, dried fruit, and easy to conceal food bars (nature valley/nutrigrain/etc.) dried ramen packets are good uncooked if you can stand the texture. Apple sauce and pudding cups are also easier to sneak and stash than one might think, and can be eaten with your fingers. The only canned foods I recommend are condensed soups and precooked pasta (spaghetti-o’s). You can easily mix them with a little bit of hot water from the tap and get something more sustaining than a handful of captain Crunch. The cans are cheap, sometimes recyclable, and drinking soup takes way less time than chewing solid food.

-if you menstruate, attempt to stash pads/tampons in a safe location. Sometimes shit happens. Pads can work as bandages in emergency situations. Sometimes shark week comes unexpectedly. If you can sneak a roll of toilet paper or paper towels, these are also life savers.

-plastic utensils from takeout containers can be hidden inside socks and will be worth their weight in gold when you least expect it. I bought myself a tiny plastic bowl from the dollar store and kept cheap trinkets in it on my desk so it didn’t seem like a bowl I was eating out of. You could try this with something like a mason jar, which is also useful for drinking out of or storing water.

-if you’re eating a crunchy or solid food, try soaking it in water. Mushy food can be repulsive in texture, but I could clock the sound of someone eating a nature valley oat bar from like 6 miles away. Dunking it in water (or using a secret bowl+water) can reduce noise, and also eating time since you don’t have to chew as much.

-keep a laundry bar or tide pen on you. Laundry bars are super useful, a little hard to find though. I washed a lot of stains out of my clothes with laundry bars in my bathroom sink as a kid. Not proud if it, but it kept me flying under the radar at school.

-clear rubber bands, plain twine or string, paper clips, and thumb tacks. Indescribably useful. I once rigged a system to open tricky cabinets and get objects from inside using two paper clips and a foot of plain string like a mock lasso system.

-if you’re pulling objects from tall cabinets, use your chest or stomach to cushion them. Let them fall into your torso and then into your hands cradled underneath. Not as loud, not as much grabbing, if someone sees it they can mistake it for it falling on you by the body language.

-get a bandana. Or four. Napkins, bandages, tool, and accessory all in one.

-get a tiny sewing kit. I’m talking 3 needles and a spool of thread tiny. Scissors if you can sneak it. See things into your clothes. Make hidden pockets or compartments. Threadbanger on YouTube did a video a few years ago about sneaking things into music festivals using tiny clothing mods, but they may be useful in sneaking money or medicine.

-on the topic of sneaking money. don’t take bills, take change. If your abusers don’t meticulously count their nickels and pennies, they’re an easy(ish) way to build up a tiny savings pool. I found nickels the least noticed coin I took, even more than pennies, and taking two every few nights from where they’d be tossed on our countertop soon built up to a semi-reliable fund I passed off to someone to get me food for my stash without having to sneak it from the kitchen. As soon as I became “independent” in my food storage, I was subjected to much less scrutiny. I managed to build up a solid 1-2 week ration supply after hoarding change.

-you can tape SD cards to the inside of book dust covers(the part that folds inside the actual cover of the book), if you have a sewing kit or zipper on it inside the stuffing of your pillow (trim a corner, stuff it inside, stitch it closed) or (this is final resort) VERY CAREFULLY remove the covering from your outlet and tape it to the wall stud before replacing the casing. I kept mine inside part of my wooden bed frame that I hollowed out using, you guessed it, take out silverware knives and 4 nights without sleep.

-THE FLOOR IS LAVA WAS KEY TRAINING FOR ME AS A CHILD. I learned to take pillows with me, climb on furniture to disrupt my flow of movement, toss a pillow down, and use that to cushion any rattle our living room could give off as I crept to the kitchen from the side entrance so my mom’s dog wouldn’t bark or alert anyone. I highly suggest crawling around on all fours like some sort of beast to stay out of sight.

-can you run your house blindfolded?? If you can’t. Maybe you should try to learn. I suffered some heavy eye traumas growing up and had a collective 3-4 months just IN THE DARK. Eyes bandaged, left alone. It was terrible, but damn if I couldn’t navigate the whole place silently, without any visual cues. This helps a lot with the whole moving around in the dark thing, too. Listening is obviously key.

-if your parents start getting suspicious, or you’re suspicious they’re getting suspicious, watch out for traps. String on the ground that gets shifted when you walk on it. Baby powder or flour left to track footprints or doors opening/closing. My dad was partial to wrapping a bungee cord around my doorknob and attaching it to the closet across the hallway. I wouldn’t be able to open my door enough to get out, or if I did, I risked ruining the structural integrity of the wrappings he did, and he would notice.

-learn to tie some knots. Strong ones. They’ll come in handy at one point or another.

-remember that you’re not totally alone. There’s people out there for you. Wanting to make everything better. You don’t deserve what’s happening, it isn’t normal, and you will eventually find help. But staying safe is important, and you are important.

It upsets me that people might need to know these but I know it could really help someone by reblogging

ALWAYS REBLOG

Things that have helped me over the years:

•Keeping a $10 bill on the inside of my phone case for emergencies. My mother will search my wallet and bags but has not taken my phone case off when she takes my phone as of yet.

•stashing loose change I find in the soil of my potted plant. Very quiet hiding place for coins. All bills are quickly confiscated but coins I have managed to hold onto this way

•changing food stash locations constantly. A good stash I’ve found is buried in my mice seed mix. Small packages or granola bars can fit in there pretty easily and the wrappers are flushable (I know it’s bad to flush them but my trash is routinely searched)

• always deleting online traces in case of phone/computer search. This includes search history, forbidden apps, messages, pictures, notes, games, etc. I don’t know how many times I have deleted the tumblr app during the day only to re download it late at night to use it. My phone and computer are constantly confiscated and gone through with a fine tooth comb. I delete anything I might possibly get in trouble for after I use it and re download it when I need it again. Don’t delete all your browsing history though, they will notice if it’s suspiciously empty. Fill it with safe and approved stuff and remove anything you might get punished for.

•learning what each and every door in the house sounds like so I know who is where at all times without having to leave the room

•learning where those ‘sweet spots’ are in the house where you can notice anyone coming before they can see you or what you are doing

•always having a pre-approved cover. I use books and preaching videos as covers. I can hide a phone in a book or quickly switch apps to the one playing the video if surprised or discovered.

• always being aware of ‘the trail’. If I tell a friend something who tells their sibling who tells my sibling who tells my mom I get punished so basically tell no one and it won’t come back to bite you. This includes talking about tv shows/movies that are forbidden, forbidden foods/drinks, activities, apps, games, friends, political views, etc. Express an opinion and it’s bound to reach someone you don’t want it to.

•never take from your abuser’s personal stash of food or money. The family pantry is fair game to carefully pilfer from and so is loose change but never take from their personal purse/wallet, fridge, pantry, or stash. They WILL find out.

•beware of traps and manipulation . My mother will leave money and food unattended and wait for it to disappear. She will also act like she wants to do a good thing and help you out but in the end you will pay for it a hundred times over. Avoid this if at all possible.

• NEVER develop a false sense of security. I have made the mistake of not deleting an app (Pinterest) because there had been a few weeks between phone searches and I felt a little safer. I got caught and severely punished. ALWAYS COVER YOUR TRACKS. Don’t get too confident in your methods, eventually they will find something. Make sure it’s something minor.

Here are some i’ve learned

  • If your parents don’t already have parental locks on your phone then you can access them yourself and create your password yourself. If you ever feel like they’re suspicious of your phone then you can quickly go into parental locks and make it so any apps that are rated above a certain age will be hidden and unaccessable until you turn it back. There’s videos of this on YouTube that explain it better.
  • When high-school teachers ask for parents information, give them an email thats one letter/number off. This way if you’re caught you can blame it on the teacher mistyping/mishearing (this one might not work if your parents are really focused on teachers, however mine weren’t so I was able to get away with it)
  • It seems obvious but tiptoe. I would say crawl but I’ve had multiple knee injuries that make crawling really slow and it hurts. Being able to Tiptoe is the next best thing, practice running/walking quickly on your toes. The faster you go the quieter it’ll be.
  • If you have an easily accessible attic (mine is on the second floor and the door is a normal one not a pull down) then hide shit in there. Not enough to be suspicious but I’ve been able to hide food in the attic so I could have it after my family fell asleep
  • My parents used to give me food that fucked with my sensory issues on purpose and then pull the “you’ll be here till its gone” bs. I figured out that I could get the food into my underwear then flush it down the toilet. This is a very situational fix, it doesn’t work with all food and it won’t work if your parents watch you eat.
  • Have a code word/emoji with your friends to signal that a parent is reading over your shoulder in text convos. I deleted all my text threads with my friends as they happened but sometimes I needed to quickly change the subject as a parent walked up behind me.
  • Have parent safe social media fakes. Make a parent safe tumblr/insta/Twitter, as some parents will let you have them but only if they approved by them
  • This might’ve already been said but hide shit IN other stuff. Pillows, beds, stuffed animals. I had a very well loved stuffed monkey that got a hole, I made it very obvious that there was a tear and then fixed it with thread. I would cut the stitches and hide my phone/food/notes in it and then sew it back. (I kept a mini sewing kit my step mom loves crafting so I got away with that) if they ever got suspicious id just blame the reopened tear on my poor stitching and that was it.
  • Life 360 will disable locations if your phone is in data/battery saving mode. I used this so I could go to off campus lunch, or when I was at a friend’s house and we went somewhere I wasn’t allowed. This isnt something I’d recommend for long periods of time, your parents know that your phone can’t be low battery 24/7 and it will look suspicious.
  • Look for specific words your parents will say when they start getting irritated. I learned that my dad spoke/acted in certain ways that would predict a blowup and started using that warning to make myself scarce or pull on the “im a perfect angel” act to minimize the damage
  • Make your lies as close to the truth as humanly possible. You didn’t answer your dads call because you were at Brittanys house watching a movie you aren’t supposed to watch? No, you didn’t answer because you guys finished watching (insert approved movie) and then you took a shower. Making your lies almost truthful helps insure that you won’t psych yourself out and show your tells
  • Speaking of Tells. Learn what yours are. Do you avoid eye contact? Do you tug at your clothes/body? Do you stutter or skip over words? Learn them and you learn to avoid them
  • If you go out to dinner and you feel like your parents are moody, leave your phone in the car. If you bring it in chances are they’ll want to search it, if you leave or in the car you can say you don’t have it on you and you won’t be lying.

Sorry if any of these are really obvious

strongorcbutch:

Instead of using “gaslight” for the millionth time to refer to someone you’ve never even met, instead consider if “lie” or possibly “propaganda” would work better.

“Gaslight/gaslighting” is a term for a specific form of psychological abuse where a number of tactics are used to make the victim end up questioning their perceptions and sanity. Lying to the victim constantly about every day events is one of these tactics, but the point of gaslighting isn’t simply base deception. It’s part of a greater series of actions designed to wear down the victim’s belief that they can trust their memory and senses, thus giving greater power over that person to the abuser.

Someone who simply told a lie without that framework was not gaslighting. They were lying. Remember that word, lying? Before it suddenly became popular to slap “gaslighting” onto every damn thing that’s what people used.

A politician telling a lie isn’t gaslighting you. They’re lying. A campaign of political lies designed to convince a nation of people of something false is propaganda.

Someone saying something you disagree with isn’t gaslighting.

Please stop using language that victims of a certain form of abuse have to describe our experiences for every damn thing from “politician continued to say false things” to “Brenda said something I didn’t like”. It’s exhausting.

will-o-whips:

will-o-whips:

will-o-whips:

Tumblr really needs to find a middle ground between “any contact between an adult and a non-blood-related youth is inherently predatory” and “being creepy towards children and teens is fine actually” or we are gonna end up w an entire generation of ppl w brain rot.

I was a child and a teen once. I was also a nanny for a number of years to older children. Children and teens can have perfectly normal interactions with grown folks that aren’t either

A. Predatory OR

B. Incredibly infantilizing to the point of insulting an older child or teen’s intelligence and being disrespectful of their rights

Because I have a life offline and a job where most of my co-workers are teens, I can assure you, based on observational evidence, that teens do not like to be treated like they are fragile babies but without a fucking brain and are, in fact, a little put off by adults who treat them as such.

I would also like you to stop and consider that maybe telling a child or teen in a vulnerable situation where they are, for example, being abused by a trusted adult (i.e. a parent) that ALL adults are exactly like their abusers and cannot be trusted because no relationship with an adult is healthy IS ACTUALLY REALLY FUCKING DAMAGING